*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
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One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Unimpressed
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
mentally somewhere in italy
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?