Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
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Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.