My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
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My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it