The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
You Might Also Like
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Very problematic
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.