Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
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I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?