“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
You Might Also Like
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I’d use my best pan on you.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god