Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
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[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Wait a minute…
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Canada has crack?
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
This was the best day of my life
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!