HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
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Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.