[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
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Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Bill is short for Billiam
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.