i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
You Might Also Like
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Ape together strong
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce