for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
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European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Got him!
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty