“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
You Might Also Like
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
If only.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.