Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
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A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.