Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
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“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT