just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
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St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean