Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
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And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”