Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
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Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
idk flipping houses looks really hard
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.