my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
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I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
From Facebook just now…
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.