Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
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I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]