Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
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I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…