WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
You Might Also Like
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.