The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
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Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie