Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
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I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”