Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
You Might Also Like
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
True freaking story!
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.