*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
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Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit