ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
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interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
channeling her this year
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE