Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
You Might Also Like
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.