My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
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[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
this FaceApp is creepy af
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.