I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
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Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
two people or more is called a problem
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
bad news gang
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
WTF
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.