Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
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*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.