[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
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me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Choose your fighter
what does he know…
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.