When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
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I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.