SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
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“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”