Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
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This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.