me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
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What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.