If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
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this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Not today
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.