I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
You Might Also Like
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music