20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
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I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
the answer was staring at me all along
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
(by @ZachWeiner )
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”