The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
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Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.