i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
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Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
it is time once again
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
omg leave her alone
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.