Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
You Might Also Like
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*