When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
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You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.