I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
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I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Yep.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
The Birdles