“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
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SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.