Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
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My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?