Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
You Might Also Like
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Thrilling chase underway
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
translated into Canadian
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.