Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
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Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!