FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
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My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
This is true.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Cat is stressing him out.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day