Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
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Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I want to meet the individual who made this
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.