waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
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If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”